AH!!

I am absolutely about to burst because I have FINALLY etched out the nitty gritty of my book outline and I am READY to start writing this latest draft. It's so much more fine tuned than the the first two and I honestly just can't smile bigger because this book is so dear to my heart, from the characters, to the language— hem, hem, the extremely whimsical metaphors used to talk about things that mean so much to me (namely, identity and how we can get so confused by what we're really after, misinterpreting happiness for the mere means by which we can sometimes acquire happiness...won't say more, if you get it, you're probably a friend—hi!).

But anyway. This is just the beginning of what I predict to be a two year process. And this little pop of joy blog post is something you're probably familiar with too. Or, I hope you are! That rush of excitement at a creative project... it's incomparable. Truthfully, I know it comes partially from taking absolutely NONE of the pain that I'm about to endure from this project into account. But that's okay. I mean, I know it'll be hard. Writing is tough but right now I'm living in that pre-work bliss phase where I can just look at this outline and see fun! And more than that, fulfilment. I'm also quite positive in ten years I will look back at this work and think, "Man, that was pretty shitty. But I'm happy I started somewhere." And knowing that this is my starting somewhere brings a whole other level of beauty to this process.

This is honest to god the best year ever and I still feel like I'm going to pop every day I wake up and think I'm allowed to do what I want to do.

Which brings me to another point. This is not by magic or unicorn dust!! It's thanks to saving money the past few years and my freaking beautiful, gracious parents for allowing me to live with them as I go through this transitionary period. Which is actually something I've had to grapple with. As very, very few of my peers live at home (I'm almost 25!), and I often feel like a free-loader. Again, luckily, my parents are amazing and they remind me that if I was sitting at home twiddling my thumbs and playing video games, they would not allow for this. But still. I really do often feel incredibly guilty for being in this position, because I know my pops didn't have this chance. And I know so many don't. And sometimes I feel like I should be punished for having this time. (Whoa, weird? True though.) Which is why I put myself through things to add some difficulty to my day in an attempt to level the playing field with people who don't have this time as I do...

Hm, didn't think this post would go in this direction. I just realized I hadn't written much about that guilt I feel regularly.

But, I will say, I'm aware that this guilt is pushing me to work my hardest with this gift of time I've been given. So I don't know if I'd wish it away. Sort of like self-doubt. I don't think I'd wish that away either. As, the fact that I pretty much question every other minute whether I'll ever succeed in anything at all, is hugely motivating. And where would I be without it?

Ok, ramble must finish as I absolutely MUST START WRITING.

*The bubble has not popped in spite of talking about the above.