I’m really failing at this being patient thing. Really. In spite of knowing better, I seem incapable of waking up and not thinking right away: get to work. I can be listening to a podcast telling me the necessity of relaxing as I wash my face and get ready for the day, while still thinking how there’s nothing I want more than for all this morning routine stuff to be over so I can work.
Maybe the simple answer to that is that I should instead start my day off with a little bit of work, just to ease that anxiety of having just spent far too long not working (aka sleeping). I realize this sounds crazy, obsessive, neurotic, etc. And I know it’s not healthy. But this is how my mind seems to be right now and it’s grace à this realization that it’s not serving me (100% of the time, anyway) that I write this out. I will probably debate whether or not I post this…because it sounds weird and paints me in an unfavourable shade. But then again, isn’t that what I want? To share these experiences? I do…but damn that doesn’t always make it easy.
Wanting versus doing. I want to be transparent, but shy away from sharing often because it’s scary. I want to be working 24/7, but don’t because that’s physically impossible, and the truth is my family would probably chide me more than they already do for hermitting away as I do. (Side note: I’m physically hermitted, yes, but not otherwise. Email correspondence, skype, phone calls, etc. all allow for me to connect with people when it’s convenient for my work schedule. And for that I’m so grateful. But that’s not really something my parents get.)
Maybe, I should clarify that me “working” is actually not really work in the traditional sense. That is, it’s not drudgery (ok, sometimes it is, but not usually). I mean, writing, which takes up the largest piece of the pie, is actually something I can’t not do. I feel incredibly ill and anxious without it—and I mean writing in all senses, not the word vomit that this is. Sure, there are inevitably times of stress and disgruntled-ness, particularly when I don’t feel like I’m working fast enough, or that I’m missing something and being inefficient with my time, but those are more rare during the work day.
Which brings me back to those mornings and evenings where I’ve stepped outside of my little bubble and am hopping in and out of bed. I think the only thing that will actually help me chill out is by further educating myself on all those mindfulness, meditation practices I was once pretty well acquainted with. It’s probably the only way I’ll get my obsessive personality to make time for it—if I feel like I can add it into my “work.”
This obsession with work…being productive…I can only imagine is because I feel like I need to make up for something. But, you know what? I’m not ready to get into that. I really just am itching now to go back to writing. We may consider this a failed blog post. But I think I will publish it anyway, because not everything’s so great all the time. Including this.