Good morning angels,
I've been reading a lot of Alan Watts, John O'Donohue, and (new to me) Marianne Williamson lately as I've felt like I have hit a sort of plateau, if you will, on my spiritual journey. Meaning, I've come to a place of deep comfortability with my relationship to myself, to others, to my work, to the future, and I've found myself thinking, Ok. What next? And so I was craving guidance from a teacher who could bring me deeper, who could show me what in fact comes next.
Oh, as I type these words I want to laugh. Because the translation? I've been feeling insecure and scared about the future, and I've been wanting someone to (at least help me) carve my path going forward.
This is the result, of course, of the fear of staying stagnant.
...which comes down to programming.
For a long time, like most I know, I was striving for things in the external world. Like, manifesting my dream career, or beautiful friendships, or self-confidence to walk through this world with.
And, since all of those things required, at first, so much internal work, I became used to efforting, which this Western society tells us is the "right" way to be.
Of course, working on oneself, wanting to grow and evolve—these are beautiful things, but when there is an underlying anxiety that exists beneath it all, when fear is the driving force (vs. love), that's when things can go awry.
It's all about being in tune with the root of your behaviours. Which is clear to see when you assess how you're feeling. If you're peaceful and excited, you're likely operating predominantly out of love. If you feel burnt out or off for any which reason, chances are you may be acting out of fear.
For myself, it was a mix, but, I must say, especially up until 2 years ago, fear was very prone to taking the driver's seat. Hence my repeated episodes of burnout.
Anyway, in spite of my dog-paddling energy, it turned out to be perfect, in a way, that my thirst for guidance led me to these 3 authors I mentioned. Because their books have showed me exactly what I needed. Which, no, was not a 3-step process toward deeper existance, but was, instead, a call toward continued Trust in the universe.
This may sound circular to the analytical mind. Where is the concrete answer, right? Where does a seeker go when they are simply told to trust?
This is where the frustration can stem from. This is where the fear can bubble up and boil over.
In the past, this would be when I would pick up more, meaningless projects. Even if they were poorly paid. I would feel this existential fear of emptiness crop up, and I would think (unconsciously), "I need to be more busy!"
This time, I've decided not to engage in the hamster wheel. Instead, I'm trusting in that I have more than enough financial resources to not need to pick up meaningless work, and I'm choosing to value the deeper work (which often I feel myself slough off, because there is no immediate monetary gain).
Fears of course come up. Like, What if you're wasting your time? Or, What if you're being selfish? Or, What if this doesn't pan out (whatever 'pan out' means, anyway)?
But what's helped me a lot is the recognition that living as I was before only led me to a feeling of deep misalignment. And, of course, I can always go back to that, if need be. But stepping into the unknown, of really pursuing my own work above all else for the first time, it feels right, no matter the dust of fear it kicks up from my shadows.
The other things that have helped, and may be of service to you if you're in a similar place, are reading into my North Node (Sagittarius), talking to my friends on similar (though entirely unique to them) paths, and meditation. Also, "forcing" myself to let go and play, even when I feel guilty. This is helped by loved ones, but I imagine can be accomplished by oneself, too.
The more I allow myself to play, stay aware of what I've equated to being productive/worthy (which have been for me things like stress and money -- no bueno), and then remind myself of the life I want to be leading, my values, the more capable I am of staying true to my path.
Alright loves, that's all for now.
Happy Friday and have a beautiful weekend! xo