Many who identify as people-pleasers are intimately familiar with the feeling of guilt. It's what convinces one to shrink, to stay predictable, to keep the peace—even at the cost of one's own well-being.

Why Guilt Shows Up When You Start Honoring Yourself

When beginning to become more of one's True Self, this uncomfortable feeling of guilt can get kicked up. That's because in beginning to advocate more for yourself, you're beginning to behave not wrongly, but differently.

Rather than allowing guilt to be in the driver's seat, keeping you small and suppressed, you're moving guilt into the passenger's seat, allowing for your full spectrum of being to come online. For the first time then, you're hearing guilt blab away in your ear, and not doing a whole lot to placate it—you're simply letting it exist.

And that is tough. Especially at first.

But, this is also the crux of growth: becoming more at ease in the presence of challenging feelings.

The Purpose of Guilt, Evolutionarily

It's often helpful to be with guilt when we understand the history of it.

Guilt is deeply wired into us. Historically, our survival depended on staying connected to our group. If you strayed too far, if you did something to upset the tribe, you risked being cast out—abandoned with no protection, no food, no security.

Fast forward to today: we aren’t living in small prehistoric tribes anymore, but our nervous systems haven’t quite gotten the memo. So when you say no, when you set a boundary, when you stop putting everyone else first, your body reacts as if you’re in danger. It mistakes change for risk.

This is, in part, why you feel guilt when you finally:

• Set a boundary with a friend, a partner, or a coworker.

• Say no to an opportunity that doesn’t feel aligned.

• Prioritize your needs, even if it disappoints someone else.

It’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re breaking old patterns.

The Long-Term Cost of People-Pleasing

For a while, people-pleasing can seem like the easier option. But over time, it proves unsustainable. It builds resentment in our minds, stresses our bodies, and disconnects us from our souls.

(For more on this, I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Maté's book When the Body Says No.)

How to Move Through the Guilt & Reclaim Yourself

• Recognize guilt when it shows up, observing where you feel it in your body. I.e. Your chest/heartspace, your stomach, your back, your neck. Breathe into that space. Let the emotion peak and then fade. Most emotions dissipate within 90 seconds if you allow yourself to fully feel them.

• Ask yourself, "Is this true guilt (where I’ve actually harmed someone)? Or is this conditioned guilt (where I’m just breaking a pattern)?" If it’s conditioned guilt, it’s not a warning—it’s a growing pain.

• Remind yourself you aren't meant to manage other people’s emotions. You are not responsible for making others comfortable—especially at your own expense. People are capable of handling their own discomfort, and, importantly, it’s part of their own growth—do not rob them of this.

• Affirm your right to honor yourself. Place a hand on your heart and remind yourself: "I am safe to honor myself." "Choosing myself is an act of self-respect, not selfishness." "I do not need to shrink to be loved."

Final Thoughts

Guilt is a feeling, and feelings are temporary. Self-abandonment, on the other hand, lingers. If the choice is between feeling a moment of discomfort or spending a lifetime denying yourself, you already know what’s worth choosing.

And if you desire (or are simply curious about) support, please reach out to me here.