"My life was like a puzzle on the verge of explosion, built as it was with all the wrong pieces. And explode it did. Piece by piece. Work first. Crack. He and I. Crack. Then I met someone wonderful so closely after, but that didn't work because of its own set of difficulties... Crack."
It's 7 or so in the morning, the sun is just starting its climb out from wherever it goes to sleep and into the sky, and I'm sitting here on my couch trying to feel into these waves of happiness rolling through me.
I learned about this back when I went through my Dr. Joe Dispenza obsession phase earlier this year. Essentially, when you absorb the sensations that fester in your body when you're happy, you imprint the feeling, thereby moulding neural pathways. This has a domino effect, going on to reinforce good habits, which affects you in so many branches of your life over the long-term.
I got into all this because, the fact is, if you're committed to chasing down a dream — whatever that dream may be, you're going to come up against a TON of obstacles. And with those obstacles can come even more self-doubt, which can eat away at you if you're not strong at your core, if you don't really believe in yourself, your hopes, your dreams.
Resilience is something that is so often talked about. But what those click-bait articles leave out is the truth that the path to resilience is actually individual. The drive to keep on keeping on, in other words, will come from fuel that is unique to your values.
You need to know what lights your fire.
That's why I mention this technique of Dispenza's, of feeling into the happiness. Because, for me, that works. When everything feels heavy, and no amount of sunshine will erase that feeling of internal grey, and I'm doing that thing where I look at the mirror so closely it's like I'm searching for my soul... That's when I can pull on those memories of those moments of deep happiness.
And that's when I take a deep breath and go, Ok, kid. You got this. You're just in the rut right now. You've climbed out before and you'll climb out again. And not only that, but you'll get back there, to that feeling you felt before.
So, in a way, I take days like today and try to bottle them into memory-based mental medicine.
As to why I'm so thrilled... it's a lot of things. I guess I'm seeing the reward of really listening to intuition. Because, you know, this year has thrown me for a complete loop.
This time last year I was drowning in mountains of misaligned social-media marketing work, feeling overwhelmed, incredibly underpaid... And I was in a relationship with someone who was very kind and very beautiful, but shared only some of my values, and found my way of living (entrepreneurial) and thinking (spiritual, non-linear) "infuriating."
Though he only let me in on those thoughts after we broke up, of course unconsciously I still felt it at the time. All under the surface, percolating. There was a hazy feeling of unidentifiable pain. The one saving grace was the book, bless it. But the rest—work, personal..
My life was like a puzzle on the verge of explosion, built as it was with all the wrong pieces.
And explode it did.
Piece by piece.
Work first. Crack. He and I. Crack. Then I met someone wonderful so closely after, but that didn't work because of its own set of difficulties... Crack.
So many of us have been going through this. Seeing things chip off, break.
So many of us have spent the Pandemic proverbially bending down to pick up the pieces only to feel them turn to dust in our fingers.
Some things can't be fixed.
The shock of this truth can be so scary, at first.
But that's where the faith comes in. Faith that things will pick up. That there are lessons curdled in the darkness. That it's all happening for us, versus to us.
It's easier said than done. I know. It's hard. I spent most of August just trying to heal, figure out what I want. Then I spent some of September falling into strange old habits of having dinner with the aforementioned ex who found me infuriating.
Oh, dio. I'd call that a misstep, but not one I regret, because it also taught me a ton. Like, to tie it back to what I said earlier, it taught me to listen to intuition, to use that as my guiding light.
My body basically shouted at me back in September that those dinners were toxic, that this guy had to go—even if he wasn't a bad person, he was bad for me. And since letting him dissolve into the past, I've felt way better. Stable.
And it created space. Space to focus on others, and work. It's intuition, I believe, that guided me in that realm too. I got very honest with myself about what I was good at and people needed (AKA what has a market) and how I wanted to spend my days. I then slowly made heads and tales of the information I'd gathered in this reflection. Went from there.
The puzzle is coming together. It's different. But it's a good different.
Shall explain in detail another time. For now...
To loop this all back to the beginning, I'm really enjoying this morning. I'm enjoying sinking into this. Bottling this moment of pure bliss for whenever I'll need it next. Because I know I will. Life goes in waves.
It's healthy to celebrate the ups though. So, with that, I'm off to do so with a good ol' cuppa coffee before my favourite workout.