Hello you guys!
Wows. It's been ages since I've shared personally on here but—alooo!—I'm back :)
The reason for the radio silence? I've spent the past while being very inward... and wanting to process what's been brewing inside of me before sharing.
The truth is, I'm still processing, but as it's been about half a year, I figure I may as well share where I've come to up til now.
SO, as many of you know, last Spring I began my journey with coaching after many years of being intrigued by the concept of so closely helping others through direct guidance.
But, along the way, around last Summer, I became very overwhelmed with the path. The reason: I was attempting to put myself out there as a coach by following another's pre-set formula. One that did not jive with my essence and, consequently, sent my nervous system into a sort of tizzy that felt like a massive vulnerability hangover mixed with crippling imposter syndrome.
Basically, it was too much too soon.
But, hey, c'est la vie. You've got to live and learn, right?
Since then, I've taken things slower, knowing that, yes, I still want to go down this road of supporting others; however, I need to cobble together the stones of my own path. I am simply not the sort that can follow another's.
A huge piece of this tailored-to-my-unique-essence approach is letting go of expectations, and doing my best to sink into what the Universe has in store for me.
That is practically done by making space to tap into intuition.
...which, I'll be the first to admit, isn't always easy. In fact, it's pretty hard. Because it necessitates the release of (the illusion of) control.
And the reason that is so hard, at least for me, is that I've noticed that, over the years, I've grown super attached to particular labels. Mostly, I think, because they've helped me understand my place in this world. And that's been helpful. But the downside, of course, is that attachment to labels tends to stagnate growth.
And so, as I sink into intuition and hear it whisper for me to explore Traditional Chinese Medicine on a deeper level, and meditation, and Eastern traditions on the whole, I feel simultaneously excited and scared.
Last year, when the fear first cropped up, I thought it was fear of "giving up" on fiction. I thought, "You're going to regret this" — as if I had to choose one path or another.
What I've realized now though is that to go from one phase to another does not mean you need to give up a piece of yourself. Sure, sometimes it does mean packing away a chapter. But many times it means opening up space for a new season, with the past welcome to return in a new form when the time is right for it.
(We are all so much more than just one fixed label—in spite of what 'Instagram bio culture' may have us believe.)
And so, given that fiction doesn't need to be given up to pursue what's next, where does the present day fear come in?
Plain and simple.
But it makes sense. And probably you can relate. The controller piece of me wants to know where all this is headed.
What exactly is my future going to look like?!
That's ^ what it wants to know.
But the beautiful thing about meditating regularly is I can now see this anxiety come up, and choose to acknowledge it by way of saying, "I don't know, and that's the magic of this journey called life."
...and watch it then dissipate.
I've been repeating this line of thinking to myself regularly, particularly in the past few days as I've entered a new collaboration that is still in such early stages that I haven't a clue as to where it's headed, other than down a path that promises to be quite mystical.
And so, that, my loves—that acceptance of the unknown, that reframing of the unknown as an adventure, as the pinnacle of the magic of this human existence—that is the main thing I wanted to share with you.
Because I've talked to so many of you in the past few months individually over DM, and I know that so many of you are going through transitory phases of your life right now.
(Many of you are probably my age after all, going through your Saturn Return.)
And so I know that many of you are dealing with the same identity-type "crises" that I am.
Or, rather was—as I do feel like the nerves of it all are finally fading away now as I am finding myself truly able to accept the mist and fog of the obscure unknown, and starting to walk into it.
Which I hope you can, too.
Because listening to your intuition, and really trusting it enough to allow it to spur you into action, even small action like taking a new course, or reaching out to someone you admire (both of which I've recently done), that's how you uncover more and more about your true dharma, about who you really are.
And what's more, the process of this all is how you cull your unique dream life, the one that is a glowing, physical manifestation of your deepest, core values, your soul.
So, all this foggy unknown we're wading through? It's worth it.
And it actually feels pretty wonderful when you can reframe it as exciting, versus scary.
Still, I do get the nerves. So, if it helps, know this: you're not in it alone. I'm right there with you.
As a final note, to the status of The Play House, I truly don't know. I'm working on it here and there, but I've been finding less joy in the process the past while. And so, in the name of all of the above, in the name of truly listening to my intuition, I am not pushing it. That said, it's honestly 50 pages or so from being done, but I don't want to finish it when I'm not feeling it. And I have the belief that what I'm going through at the moment will help shape the ending of the book. So, yeah, not rushing to finish it off. It'll get done. But, until then, I'm enjoying sinking into myself and finally, truly, allowing myself to explore pieces that have been calling out to me for years.
Now, how are you? Let me know on IG :) I'm always curious! xx